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Motherhood

Girls night out: Pre-baby vs Post-baby

Tonight is the annual Christmas dinner with my friends from High School. One of those wonderful friends, Jess from The Belle Lumiere told me this saying recently that perfectly describes our friendship “Everything and nothing has changed”. A lot has happened over the last 15 years but this is the first Christmas dinner Post-baby and I realised that everything has changed when it comes to preparing for a Saturday night out. So when it comes to preparation here is my list Pre-baby vs Post-baby:

PRE-BABY

Day before:

  • Before work shave legs, armpits and fanny. Exfoliate whole body. Wax moustache.
  • During lunch break get eyebrows did then spray tan.
  • Spend the rest of the evening in scarecrow position on towel on couch.

Morning of:

  • Shower and wash off spray tan, burn sheets.
  • Have a gluten free, dairy free breakfast so stomach doesn’t bloat.
  • Write a list of all the things required to get ready for the night out.
  • Try on various clothing options and choose best option.
  • Go to shops: Buy new outfit, new accessories, new shoes, bottle of wine, get cash out, buy fake eyelashes, buy chewing gum and numerous other unnecessary cosmetics. Eat sushi.
  • Get home and have an afternoon nap.
  • Have a long shower, wash hair, condition hair, apply hair treatment, wash out hair treatment.
  • Moisturise whole body.
  • Paint toenails.
  • Paint fingernails.
  • Put hair in curlers.
  • Put music up LOUD.
  • Prepare face for makeup, pour glass of wine, apply make up, perfect make up, stuff up make up, correct make up.
  • Take hair out of curlers, style hair.
  • Put on the outfit you bought, try on five other outfits then choose the one that you picked out that morning.
  • Change hairstyle.
  • Change outfit again.
  • Pour another glass of wine.
  • Accessorise outfit and choose which bag.
  • Straighten hair.
  • Stuff up nails. Try to fix them.
  • Transfer necessary contents out of day bag to night bag.
  • Brush teeth.
  • Call taxi.
  • Check makeup.
  • Continuously peak out the front window in case the taxi is there.
  • Hear taxi beep then madly rush through the house turning off music, double checking bag then run out the front door.

POST-BABY

Morning of:

  • Up early (not by choice).
  • Drink coffee.
  • Eat scraps from baby’s breakfast.
  • Shower while baby naps, wash hair, shave armpits, consider shaving legs then decide not to.
  • Sleep for remaining time of baby’s nap.
  • Drink coffee.
  • Eat scraps from baby’s lunch
  • Go get eyebrows did, check time then decline when the lady offers to wax your moustache.
  • Eat a whole slab of salami on toast.
  • Drink coffee.
  • Write an in case of emergency baby list for every possible outcome including a tomorrow when the war began scenario.
  • Slap on makeup, brush hair, choose outfit and get in car to drive.

Have nights out changed for you since becoming a parent? Do you even get the chance to have a night out?

pre-baby vs post-baby

 

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Motherhood

6 Times Motherhood made me crazy

OK so there’s way more than 6 but we don’t have all day so I’ll keep it simple. I would like to thank the sleep deprivation but most of all the baby. It’s because of you that motherhood made me crazy.

  1. I cried in the hospital car park when my husband wanted to carry our 3 day old son in the console without a cover on, I was convinced he would catch something.
  2. I was crazy obsessed with routine when my son was first born. I made very small specific time frames for visitors, unfortunately he wasn’t on board with the routine so he was always asleep when they arrived.
  3. One time my husband touched the outside of a bottle I had just sterilised. I had a meltdown and sterilised it again.
  4.  If breast milk was precious then I was Gollum because I used to pour every last drop into the bottles. Unfortunately one day after a long sleepless night I accidentally poured 120ml straight into the sink. I went mental.
  5. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I frantically searched the bed thinking my son was under the covers. One time I woke up panicking because he was under the covers, I could feel him breathing! I managed to get him out then realised I was holding a pillow.
  6. I woke up shaking the lamp upside down. I thought it was the baby.

I’d love to know I’m not alone and hear about the times motherhood has made you crazy!

 

motherhood made me crazy
I am so crazy I scrunched up this piece of paper.. or playdough, not really sure what it is.mad
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Motherhood

Competitive parenting: Please stop wasting my flava

You know when you tell someone something then they come back at you all negative just bringing down the vibe? Well that’s what I mean by stop wasting my flava.

Competitive parenting
No flavour wasted here

The competitive parenting starts in Pregnancy

You’re tired, I mean really tired. Like more tired than you’ve ever been before. Your body is growing a human being. A HUMAN BEING. You might have just gotten over six, maybe even thirty weeks of non stop morning sickness that lasted day and night like you’d come off a three day bender. You might be getting up twelve times a night to pee. You might not be sleeping because your hip aches and trying to sleep upright on the couch didn’t work, now your neck is sore so you’re fucked and can only sleep in the garden. Someone asks you how you’re feeling. It’s so nice that someone cares, you say ‘I’m tired’ then they reply – ‘Just wait until the baby comes then you’ll know what tired means’ – Stop wasting my flava.

Competitive parenting continues in motherhood

You’re dealing with sleep deprivation, you don’t understand how you used to be able to do a million things in one day at the office and now you can’t even collect a package from the post office. You make a goal – ‘Tomorrow I will collect the package’. Then tomorrow comes and time gets away from you with the constant rotation of feed, nappy, sleep. The baby keeps crying so you don’t make it out of the house today. Someone calls to ask how you’re coping. Oh it’s so nice speaking to another adult. You say ‘I just can’t seem to get anything done’ then they reply – ‘Just wait until he’s moving around, then you’ll never get anything done’. Mate stop wasting my flava.

You woke up 12 times last night, you’re exhausted but you haven’t left the house for a week so you’re determined to get out and live life. You put on some makeup and get the hell out of the house. You go to the local shops, you’re feeling good after an extra large cappuccino. You’re exercising by pushing the pram around Kmart, buying baby shit you don’t really need but it’s on special and that shopping buzz is better than no other. You make a visit to the parents room to change bubs nappy, there’s a couple in there with two kids. The lady asks how old your baby is and you say ‘four months’. The woman says ‘wow you look amazing for four months’, you say ‘thanks’ beaming at the compliment because on the inside you’re rotting. Then the reply ‘Just wait until you have two’. Seriously, stop wasting my flava.

Why can’t we just experience what we’re experiencing without somebody wasting our flava?

When our baby was less than a week old my cousin and his wife came over to take baby photos. My husband and I were buzzing with the new baby, ‘He’s a good sleeper’ I gloated to my cousin. ‘That’s great’ he said. He didn’t waste my flava and let me experience the happiness. Fast forward to 10 weeks in and I saw him at our other cousins 21st. I talked about how tired we were as a couple, how we were playing the who’s more tired game. He gave me a knowing look and said ‘I didn’t want to burst your bubble, you guys were in that newborn excitement phase’. Why can’t we all be like my cousin? Why can’t we celebrate each others wins and let people feel their lows. If someone is feeling bad about something, telling them it’s going to get worse is not the solution! I say lets stop competitive parenting. Even if you’re so jealous that your friends baby slept through the night that you could stab them in the eye. Smile and celebrate that win with them because when it’s time to share your win, you will want someone to celebrate with you.

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Motherhood

The who’s more tired game

There’s a game called the who’s more tired game, I think most parents know what I’m talking about. My husband thinks he’s more tired because he works all day and wakes at night when the baby cries. I think I’m more tired because my work isn’t 9 – 5 anymore, it’s from when I open my eyes until I close my eyes. About a month ago my husband said his life was like the movie groundhog day (he was 60 hours into an 84 hour work week). I wasn’t sympathetic. ‘I’ve done a 150 hour week’ was my reply which I can hear myself saying in the most annoying tone. I hadn’t been that angry since I went mental and threw a game controller after losing in NBA Jam. I started to take deep breaths, I needed to calm down, it was obvious that I was more tired. How could he not see that?!

I was in labour for 21 hours when I gave birth and let me tell you I was tired. I was pretty dramatic in hindsight, wobbling my head from side to side, deep breathing in a daze but then again I had just given birth to a TINY HUMAN BEING! My little babe had a traumatic entry into the world being yanked out of my vagina with a vacuum seal so was taken away from me. It felt like I was in the delivery room forever being stitched up. My husband eventually returned to tell me the baby was fine. He was all in a hypo carrying around my placenta in a big yellow bio hazard bag and I was just zonked. He eventually went home and had a good few hours sleep. I was able to visit bub briefly then put in my room to ‘sleep’ but I couldn’t because I needed to urgently tell everyone the baby was born after my brother posted on facebook before I had a chance to tell anyone. Then my head was looping the fuck out from all the drugs so I had to keep my eyes open just to feel normal. Clearly I was more tired then.

I didn’t sleep the next day because people were constantly in and out of the room – one lady asking if I was doing my pelvic floor, another asking if I wanted to talk about the traumatic delivery, another talking about contraception (not necessary) while another looked at my stitches. There was no such thing as ‘rest time’, talk about hectic. I went home the following day and then the real lack of sleep began. People told me ‘sleep while the baby sleeps’ but I didn’t listen. I was going to DO-IT-ALL I was woman, hear me roar. I cleaned the house, did the washing, cooked gourmet meals, I refused help. I thought I could handle it, then the sleepless nights got on top of me. I’m not sure if it was week 2, 3 or 4 because it’s such a blur but one morning I could not face getting out of bed. Nights were so hard back then, I’d get to 7pm and think ‘I can’t wait to get into bed’ then remember what was ahead of me. I’d have an overwhelming sense of dread and then delay going to sleep which makes no sense. I was definitely more tired then.

whos more tired
So tired we didn’t even clean our feet before the photoshoot

Here we are now just over 5 months in and I still can’t sleep while the baby sleeps during the day because he catnaps. We’ve separated (the baby and me) because old-mate-have-a-chat is too noisy. He has a cot sensor which I’ve tested vigorously to ensure I can hear it should he stop breathing for any reason so I’m not concerned about him being in a different room. Nights are much easier to handle now because I’m not up for hours feeding and settling him to sleep. I still have mornings when I hear him chatting and I telepathically tell him to shut the f up and let me go back to sleep but I get out of bed, shuffle to his room, look in his cot and his excited giggling face melts me and I say good morning, have a coffee and get through each day. I’ve made it out of the newborn mombie (mum-zombie) phase alive but five months of limited sleep has taken it’s toll.

So who’s more tired now? The truth is we’re both tired. We’re both so god damn tired. We laugh about the times before we had a baby that we thought we were tired. My husband is actually amazing, he gets up early and goes to work for 12 hours, he comes home each day and bathes the baby then cooks us dinner while I feed the baby and put him to bed. I’m glad we’ve stopped playing the ‘who’s more tired game’. We’re on the same team now, if one of us is tired the other will step up. The competitiveness between us was pointless and besides…clearly I’m more tired.

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