Sometimes being a mother makes me feel trapped. There I said it.
When I was young I wanted it all. I wanted to party, I wanted to travel, I wanted to have a career but really I was just passing time until I got married and became a mum.
I thought I would love maternity leave and at first I did. I went for walks in the sunshine, met friends for coffee, I cleaned the house, I went shopping. All I needed was to sleep more than three hours in a row and life would be perfect.
Something changed around six months. My savings started to run out and the thought of relying on my husband for money overwhelmed me. I was losing my identity and my independence but I was dreading returning to work. I was determined to make my blog a success, all I needed was for one post to go viral but it never did. I quit my job anyway because I lived too far from the office. The pressure was off and I started to enjoy motherhood again but something changed.
I found it hard to sit and just be with Will. I felt guilty like I should be doing something else. I felt unproductive, like I was wasting time.
I found a wonderful daycare that encourages free play and warms my gypsy soul. I found a job I love and started working part-time. It felt like it was all meant to be but then Will started getting sick. Nothing serious but enough to stay at home and question whether daycare is right for him. I feel like each day is groundhog day, I’m just getting by until bath time, waiting for my husband to come home so I can breathe.
We live our lives waiting for the next stage, waiting for that holiday, waiting for the promotion, waiting for our partner to propose, waiting for the wedding, waiting to get pregnant, waiting to have the baby. Then it all happens in the blink of an eye and we’re left wondering ‘what now?’
As selfish as it sounds, sometimes being a mother makes me feel trapped.